Inner Adventures | Embrace an Inner Adventure Today!

Yes, I thought that title would make you want to read this post.  I promise not to disappoint, there will be something in here about that, but it may not be what you expect.  In fact, I have no idea as I never do when I start writing, I just let whatever is here flow … but it tends to always, at some level, have something to do with LoVe or the making of it!

Last night I attended the very funky, surprisingly themed Star Wars wedding of Mr and Mrs Potato Head, two loveable spuds who are just crazy about each other.  I always shed a tear at these events, due to there being so much gooey LoVe in da house!  Being able to share in that moment when two people are standing together in front of friends and family with so much love for their mirror is an experience worth bottling.  It’s like being in the eye of the vortex of good feeling stuff where nothing can hurt you.  Heaven.

Being a divorce statistic I am usually quite cynical at these events, wondering to myself how long this one will last.  With these two spuds I have a very strong sense of longevity.   Here was true love, a genuine support for one another’s gifts and talents, a sincerity, understanding, interlaced with humour and peppered with a bit of spice to keep it interesting.  Both strong individuals sharing their journey together as two complete souls (spuds).

I sat next to my gorgeous friend Liz who had just returned from the US after attending an Esther & Jerry Hicks seminar.  We were discussing the power of the law of attraction and how our thoughts create our outer experience.  It was during this conversation that I reflected upon my life right now.  I have recently created the job, the hours, the pay, my renovations, the painter, the trip away, my health, the book I’m writing, my friends … and the non-existent intimate relationship.  Yes, I had created that one too.  It was here that it dawned on me the story I was telling myself about being in a relationship was exactly why I was not in one.   I was receiving exactly what I was focussing on.

I have always thought lining up with our loved was a really tricky process.  I had one failed marriage and probably dragged around with me into every relationship since, the deep down belief that it won’t work, it won’t last, I’m no good at this, it won’t pass 4 months, etc etc etc.  And that’s exactly what I attracted.  Nothing to do with them at all, absolutely everything to do with my idea, my thoughts, my beliefs surrounding relationships.

Making LoVe is the easy part (and let’s face it, the most fun!), maintaining, growing, accepting and allowing another into ones heart and soul has been a very difficult road for me since the end of my marriage.  It’s only now that I have realised how difficult I have made it for myself.  I have blamed, been unforgiving and angry when my heart has been broken, totally unconscious that it was I who had created the outcome.

Working in Family Law has also brought to light the complexities surrounding relationships and the amount of blame that goes on when it breaks down.  People can be quite horrible to one another.  One minute you are madly in love, can’t get enough of each other, planning the next 100 years then bang, it’s over and hate, anger, blame, fear, resentment and non-acceptance take over.

It seems to be that it is more difficult for men who are left by their wife than for a woman who is left when a relationship breaks down.  I discussed this topic with a family law barrister recently who has 30+ years experience in this area.  He said men and women definitely process the breakdown of a marriage differently.  Generally a woman tends to know and has made the decision that it’s over and is very clear.  A man however can take a long time to accept that it is over, even when the signs may have been there for years.  He usually responds to the departure as her “suddenly” leaving him when it has been over for quite some time.  He then stated that usually a man will jump head first into another relationship almost immediately to fill the void, a woman will take her time, wanting to be on her own for a while before she goes down that road again.  This was my experience.  I was the one that left, my ex being angry for some time and jumping into another relationship almost immediately.  It took me a good year before I started to date again.

Well, we all have our crosses to bear in life and the area of relationships seems to be one of my biggest lessons.  The fact that I can clearly see how I created these situations, after all these years, is a relief.  Taking responsibility for my part has enabled me to forgive myself also.

The simplicity of changing ones thoughts to reflect that which we desire is super powerful.  I have experienced that in all other areas of my life.  To know I have the power to create and affect change in this area is a marvellous awakening.  It probably sounds quite simple, why not create exactly what I want with regards to relationships?  Yes, it has most certainly been a tough one, I’m sure for very good reason and I have no doubt that that will be revealed to me soon enough!

A smile now resides in my heart where there was once such pain.  I am grateful to Mr and Mrs Potato Head for showing me what’s possible and to Liz for reminding  me to remain in the vortex – at all times – no matter what – on every subject!

To those I have loved and who have tried to love me, thank you for being my greatest teachers.   The most painful lessons have been the most powerful.  There is much love for you here and it feels wonderful to be able to acknowledge you in this way.

Told you life begins at 40 !!

I’ve also included here a post shared on Facebook about marriage.  I felt it very touching. May it make you think …

MARRIAGE

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us part.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed – dead.

My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.– At least, in the eyes of our son— I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don’t share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.

Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.